You Cant Live With Em And You Cant Kill Em

Bit of marital discord in Stupid Mansions today.

I got up this morning all excited and loaded my bike in the van bound for Tagg Racing to get my Motobox fitted.

Bike in van all strapped up ready to go but where is the motobox?

I know where I left it, in a cardboard box on the dining table along with my bling clutch cover, blank off plates, secondary flies, KTM service book and Bic's instructions that I printed off.

Oh, what is that I spy outside the back door in the pissing rain? You guessed it, a soaking cardboard box containing sopping wet instructions, service book and all of the above.

After conducting a thorough investigation using the latest forensics, I tortured a confession out of the old woman who had, I quote: 'moved it because the cleaners were coming'

Our cleaners arrive at 8.30am on Friday. I had got the box out of the garage at 7am on Friday. The daft witch had put it in the garden somewhere between these times, left it there all day, passed it several times in the evening when she went out for a cigarette, didnt think to bring it in, snored like a twat all night whilst my specially imported US bling was getting rainsoaked in the garden. This was now 9am on Saturday.

I dont get this woman's logic. Why do you have to tidy up before the cleaners get here? She does that every week, wouldnt want the cleaners to see a dirty house.

The cleaners must think we are mental and spend 2 hours with their feet up before picking up their cash and heading off to the next non dirty house on their round. I cant ask them as they are Polish and communication is limited to 'hello' at the minute.

And couldnt the cleaners, just maybe clean around a 12 inch by 6 inch cardboard box? They clean around the furniture and all the cobwebs I find.

With these questions I had to leave the house before I was tempted to Fred West her under our patio. I wanted to play upon her natural meaness and mention that someone could have stolen several hundred pounds of Superduke porn from the garden but that would have involved the confession that I had spent several hundred pounds on Superduke porn in the first place and not, as previously claimed bashed it up in a metalwork night school class.

So anyway, no harm done but Paul and I did spend about an hour drying each page of instructions and service book in front of a fan heater. I am probably on another sex ban for shouting at her, no idea how long this one will last as I am still serving the last one from 2002.

Revenge is a dish best served cold and it has already been suggested that I leave something that she values out in the rain. Any other suggestions?

Ha ha ha!

Though I share your mental anguish at the thought of my Motobox instructions being turned to pape mache in this mornings rain. Fred West indeed.

We too have a cleaner and Amy's away this week so there's nothing to do as I live clean and don't mess up the house like she does. Amy rings me up every other day and dictates over the phone what I have to write down for her to do that day. Iron shirts, clean skirting boards, cooker hood etc. I feel like writing, "Dear Simona, please go out to car park and clean Superduke thoroughly, start with warm soapy water and finish off with soft cloth and ACF 50, oil the chain, pay good attention to the rear shock and front brakes, spray WD40 over electrics under belly pan and polish the CF panels. Then, if you have time, wash visors on the three Arai helmets on the shelf in the living room, clean leathers and boots, and iron the thermal underwear hanging in cupboard."

Hope you got all the bling fitted Ok. Is that Paul who used to be at Brackens? I'm planning to go see him when I need a service done next - is he still at the same place? Hope he's doing OK and that there are plenty of old Bracken customers still using him.

Does he smile more than he used to?

Nah, The Tagg Paul is Paul Stonebanks who used to race a TRX850 that was 2/3rds Thundercat. Used to do work for Tim Bourne and Leon Camier as I recall.

Miserable Paul from Bracken I havent seen for about 3 years. I heard he carried on on his own, probably got all those 16 year old halfwit apprentices out thieving for him now like a KTM Fagin

Is all fitted and good to go now fella?

Classic! I have to say any male Judge worth his salt would take that for grounds for a divorce m8.

Yeh. Had a similar sentence. 2002 must have been a good year.
When the ultimatum came about the bike one had to go. Still got the SD
Had to spend the money I had stashed away for my next bike on furniture though.

You have a cleaner? Wtf dude. My advice, ditch the cleaner and give your wife some purpose in life. Save money and restore some discipline to your household at the same time.

People still smoke cigarettes?! Wow!

the best bit is, I was making plans to come and see you within the next couple of weeks and fit it for you.

Best thing to do is sack the cleaners and inspect the house with white gloves every day....
Anyone who puts any of my stuff outside in the rain can follow suit regardless of what it is, that is just mean.
The buy more bikes advice is sound too, like that!

You can kill em,,, it's just the getting away with it part that may be a problem,,, I've been convinced my wife has been trying to kill me now for years

Lots of great info here.

Sounds like a not so passive agressive missus there. Window all the friggin way down. As for the sex, just pull one off on her pillow. Let her have a yogurt perm in the morn.